Toleration

I went home for 12 days. Home is Nebraska and the stay seemed far too long. All of the sisters live out of state so family gatherings mean ALL of us (spouses and kids included) stay under the same roof. It's usually Mom and Dad's roof, but sometimes a hotel must accommodate our family of 13. It's tense. I wonder how the hell I managed to live there for 18 years. I wonder if we've all changed that much or if we just can't tolerate it as much anymore.
It's exhuasting. So exhausting I don't have any energy to grade papers in my own home...or clean or work on my resume or contact volleyball players about practice tomorrow night. No desire. I wonder if that house in Lewiston, Nebraska did that or if he did...Dad. I read what I write and guilt overcomes. How dare I point a finger at him? How dare I blame my happiness or lack thereof on him? Can't do that, Denise. You just can't. No matter how many negative things pour from his mouth, no matter how many looks of disgust he displays for us notice. You just can't do that.